I had a bad weekend. I worked Saturday, then came home, did my normal “stuff” and sat outside for hours on my back porch with my dog. Sitting outside actually felt great- the breeze was nice and cool and I could hear wind chimes sounding from several blocks away. I finally came in and ran to the store to buy steaks to cook out on the grill. I bought 3 nice size steaks, one for each of the kids, and one for myself, along with pototoes to bake and ears of corn to roast. I enjoyed sitting outside cooking everything on the grill and read a magazine while I waited for the yummie food. By the time dinner was ready, the kids had all gone to their friends for the evening, so I was alone.

Usually alone is okay for me, but for some reason, it really upset me this weekend. I sat and ate alone, cleaned the dishes alone, then put on my pajamas before 9:00 pm. I decided I’d take advantage of the alone-time and watch some trashy TV. However, couldn’t find anything good to watch, wasn’t interested in any of my DVD’s, and was tired of reading. I finally went to bed as I figured I’d catch up on sleep. I must say, I slept like a baby. I had the window cracked just enough to let the breeze in, so it was wonderful. However, the loneliness continued through Sunday. I didn’t put on any makeup Sunday- instead read the paper for an hour, then went to pick up my son from his friends house. He and I mowed the yard and then I sat in my room. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t believe I was having a pity party-that is just not like me. My son even asked me if I was okay. I told him “yes, I just want to be quiet today”. Sunday night, I was again in bed before 10:00 pm- something very unusual for anyone in my house. However, I awoke this morning with a burst of energy. I had to be at work at 6:30 am today for a special project, so I was out the door and arrived at work early. All day long I laughed and cut up with co-workers- I even ripped my favorite pants on a wire and laughed. When I picked my son up after school today he commented that he was glad to see me in a better mood. I thought about it for a minute and thought “oh yea, I had been in a bad mood- hadn’t I”. Then I realized, Its okay to be alone sometimes. Apparently I needed “alone” time over the weekend, and didn’t even realize it. Alone shouldn’t always be scary and quiet doesn’t always have to be “loud”, if you know what I mean. So, enjoy your YOU time- it doesn’t last.

Although I’m a single mom, I’ve been in an on again/ off again relationship for 20 years! Yes, thats right- 20 long, long years. However, I finally made it an official “off” relationship a month ago. I simply can’t continue the roller coaster ride of emotions with this man. Its not that he doesn’t love me, or that he doesn’t want to marry me- its just the opposite, to be honest. Although I love him- I apparently don’t love him like I should. I have kept him at an arms length for a reason…. right? Maybe you’re wondering how he is around my child? Well, get ready for this.. he is the father of my only child. He is a good father, but not a great partner. I think I have put up with him all these years because he is my sons father and it was easier for all of us to go on family vacations together, or to visit both our families together. However, meanwhile I allowed a lot of time to go by- like 20 years- without really living my life with someone I love and want to be with forever. Therefore, I finally told him he couldn’t be a part of my life, but of course he could continue with his son, but only at his house.

The last few weeks have been hard. It like a bad addiction. I want to get my fix again, but just long enough to keep me going for a few more weeks. However, I know that will only prolong the inevitable. I know this is silly, but I keep thinking of him as a donut- I just need to say “no” to that donut and I’ll eventually get over the craving. Maybe a new healthy donut will come around soon, or maybe I’ll realize I never really liked donuts to begin with and I really like bagels.